Mandatory Fun Police Disclaimer:
The following content is drenched in sarcasm, satire, and a deep sense of existential dread. If you lack a sense of irony, or if you firmly believe coal is a vegetable, please return to your echo chamber immediately. This is a comedic piece reflecting frustration, not a peer-reviewed geopolitical whitepaper.
The Conservative Guide to Ensuring Your Grandchildren Resent You
1 Scorched Earth Policy (Literally)
Why leave the next generation a lush, habitable planet when you can leave them a steaming, radioactive rock? The prevailing wisdom seems to be: if you can't take it with you, burn it for a slight bump in quarterly dividends.
Pro-Tip for Aspiring Arses:
Whenever someone mentions "renewable energy," immediately shout "BASELOAD POWER" until they walk away. Do not look up what baseload power actually means in a modern grid context. Ignorance is your shield.
Pushing environmental destruction isn't just a hobby; it's a commitment to ensuring that coastal properties are eventually affordable for everyone, mostly because they'll be underwater. It’s visionary, really. Why adapt to the future when you can stubbornly insist the 1950s were the pinnacle of human achievement?
2 Dismantling the Nest Egg
Australia’s Superannuation system: a pesky, globally envied mechanism designed to ensure people don't eat dog food in their twilight years. Naturally, this must be destroyed.
The logic is flawless: why allow workers to accumulate collective capital that might, heaven forbid, invest in sustainable infrastructure or hold boards accountable? Instead, encourage young people to raid their own retirement savings for a house deposit in a massively inflated market. It's like borrowing from your future self to pay your landlord today!
The "Solution"
Tell everyone their money is "locked away by elites" and offer them the "freedom" to spend it now.
The Outcome
A generation working until they drop dead, entirely reliant on a pension system that will be simultaneously defunded.
3 The Grand Finale: Hanging Them Out to Dry
So, how do we tie it all together? You ensure the climate is hostile enough to require massive mitigation costs, while simultaneously gutting the financial mechanism (Super) that could have helped pay for it or sustain the population through it.
It’s a masterclass in pulling up the ladder once you’ve reached the treehouse.
To the generations following: we apologize. We were too busy arguing about culture wars and franking credits to notice the house was on fire and the bank accounts were being emptied. Best of luck with the Mad Max scenario!